Not the End of the Story
by Serisia
Summary: 12x23 Coda I had to find a way to deal with my grief and to at least bring a little bit of hope into this mess


"Sammy, he can't be gone. He can't! I have to tell him… I just… Sam, I… I…" Dean's voice broke and he choked out a sob. Sam rushed over to him and pulled him into his arms.

"Shh, it's ok. I know Dean; you don't have to say it. I know." For a moment Dean sobbed quietly into Sam's jacket, while his brother soothingly stroked his back.

The he suddenly pulled away and looked at Sam.

"Yes, but Sam, that's just it. I do! I _do_ have to say it, I really do! Shoulda said it years ago! Shoulda said it back when I found him in that house with a wife and he didn't remember me. Should've said it when I found him in Purgatory, after searching for nearly a year. Should've said it after he fell or after that reaper stabbed him. I should've said it a million times."

He choked again and rubbed his eyes.

Sam looked uncertainly at him, then, after a moment, he carefully asked, "Then, why didn't you?"

Dean looked away, then back at his brother. "Because I'm a coward. I've never said it to anyone, Sam. Not to Cassie, not to Lisa. I just never really felt it. But with him…" Dean broke off, searching for words.

"With him it's different?" Sam asked.

Dean nodded. "I always thought I had to be completely sure before I said something. That it had to be the right moment and so on. All just excuses for being a fucking coward. In all my life, I never said it." He dropped his gaze. "And now I never will…"

Tears were rolling down his face again. Sam put a hand on Dean's shoulder to give him some comfort.

"Dean, you're still young, you still could…"

Dean's head snapped up, the fire in his eyes shutting Sam up.

"Don't say it Sammy. There'll never be somebody else. Cas is _**It**_. He's like this… shining beacon of light, of everything that's good. And now…" He wiped away the tears that were running down his face. "I always kinda thought… You know, when we were in heaven and Ash told us about how soulmates got to share their heaven?"

Sam nodded.

"I always kinda assumed that if I ever got to go up there, he would be there with me. But now… Where do angels go, when they're…?"

He couldn't finish the question and looked up at Sam instead. His brother was looking at him surprised.

"What?" Dean asked.

"You think Cas is your soulmate?" Sam asked him.

"Yeah, kinda. Or whatever you call it with angels." Dean said defensively. "Why are you looking at me like that? You don't think I'm right?"

Sam shook his head and then quickly nodded. "No, actually I think you are. I've had this thought for a long time. I just never thought, that you… Uhm", Sam broke off sheepishly.

"That I would figure it out?" Dean asked with a little smile.

Sam nodded in response.

"I'm not completely stupid Sam, even if I do my best to proof otherwise most of the time."

They sat in silence for a few moments, Dean's eyes drifting over to the Impala, where he knew Cas' body was lying in the backseat.

"You know, the funny thing is, I was ready. I was finally ready to tell him. Wanted to do it, as soon as we had a few moments alone, a little time to breathe." He chuckled humorlessly. "Isn't that hilarious?!"

With that a new wave of sobs overwhelmed him and Sam grabbed him and dragged him back into his arms. After a few minutes Dean's sobs ebbed away and when he pulled away from Sam, there was a new resolve in his eyes.

"But you know what? You are right, Sammy. I don't need to say it right now. I need to say it to _him._ I need to say it to his face, make sure he understands exactly just how important and amazing he is." He stood up purposefully.

Sam stood up, too, hesitantly reaching for his brother. "Dean…"

"No Sam! This isn't the end of this story! We will bring him back. I don't know how, yet, but we'll find a way. We _will_ bring him back, and then I will tell him."

And there was such a deep sadness, but at the same time steely determination in Dean's eyes, that Sam knew, if there was one person in the universe, who could find a way, to bring Castiel back, it was Dean. So he nodded and allowed himself a tiny smile.

"All right Dean. Let's go."


End file.
